literally had 100 drinks last night.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
