just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Congratulations! We have a period
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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