She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I can't turn off my feet"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
