My liver just broke up with me...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
