3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
