She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
