my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I could fuck to npr.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
