I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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