So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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