Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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