She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
