Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
