You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
