you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
