saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I smell like Dick and happiness
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
