I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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