Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
