We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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