New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize