The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
