Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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