Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
