Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
