god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
