Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
