I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
