I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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