His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
