Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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