My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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