He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
