just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize