Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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