I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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