Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize