Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
