I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
