Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
