he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize