I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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