A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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