I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
