I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize