A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize