Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
