I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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