I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
