I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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