i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
