that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
