This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
