the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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