Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
