Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
