Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
