Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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