don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
