Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Come see our sink grown plant.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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