trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
