I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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