Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
