seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
