yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
